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My Running Mate

By Todd Outcalt

It is with great joy that I announce my running mate selection today. I won't go into too many details, obviously, but I do want to make clear that my running mate will make a fine addition to our ticket and the Congressional hand-ball team. My running mate has never been involved in bribery or a prostitution ring, and it is obvious that my running mate has a squeaky-clean image and will come across well on Meet the Press and The Colbert Report. Given the gravity of running for office today, and the weight that voters place in integrity and good posture, I am particularly pleased by my running mate's track record on family values and responsible spending. My running mate always eats in and hasn't had a fancy restaurant meal in years. Not even a hamburger!

Of course, there are always detractors and critics. Some will say, "You should have selected a running mate with more experience." But what is experience, anyway? My running mate looks great in natural lighting and only has the one suit. And as for experience, my running mate knows how to get around in the hallways without asking for directions and is adept at rebooting computers.

Others might have their questions about my running mate's voting record, but let me remind you-my running mate doesn't vote. I will be the one doing the voting. My running mate will be there to make me look good after the election and will bring me lunch. I usually eat pasta salads or crust-free cheese sandwiches, so this should be a piece of cake.

Sure, others may be concerned that my running mate might have to assume office in the event of my untimely demise or a bout with rickets, but let me assure the voters that my checkups have been stellar and my cholesterol levels are the lowest they have been since my third divorce. I am selecting my running mate based on charm and my running mate's ability to keep an organized filing system-nothing more!

The American people need to know that I am standing on principle here. I am coming out in the open with this selection. Isn't this the definition of integrity and transparency? Many people don't even know who the other running mates are, and most Americans can't even name the finalists on Survivor. So you see . . . I'm not hiding anything here.

Finally, since there are some questions about my running mate's past, let me clear the air once and for all. No, my running mate has never had sex outside of marriage with low-level staffers. In fact, my running mate has never had sex at all. Who would want to get involved with my running mate? And if there is dating to be done, my running mate will use the Internet like everyone else. Likewise, my running mate is not anti-military. Rather, my running mate loves sailors and has spoken to some of occasion, including a few Navy Seals. And, as to the charge that my running mate came across the border illegally, which border are you talking about? I would remind everyone that the first immigrants came to this great land across the Bearing Strait when it was frozen solid and most of them were decently clothed. Origins are tricky, and my last name was spelled differently before my father changed it so we could live comfortably in Martha's Vineyard.

I want to assure all of our constituents and the skeptical public that my running mate and I are here to serve and are not running for office because of the great health care plan and the pension available to us after a few years in office. We truly want to help restore this country and bring the nation back to basic values like education, affordable dental exams, and a greater emphasis on professional sports, including soccer.

In this free land it is vital that we vote for candidates who can sit through long sessions of debate and who won't compromise their values for floor seat tickets to Les Miserables. We need candidates like my running mate who won't be influenced by lobbyists or by C-Span, and who will keep a low-profile during these volatile election times.

I am proud to announce that my running mate meets all of these criteria, and can be reached on Twitter and Facebook. I urge you to get out and vote, and if you can't do that, at least be willing to pay a bit more in taxes. God knows we could use it.

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