New York's Paladino Declares War On Another Minority

written by Don Monkerud

New York's GOP gubernatorial candidate, Carl Paladino, told a gathering in Central Park on Sunday that children can't be allowed to think that red-haired people are normal. He lambasted his opponent for Governor, Andrew Cuomo, for having redheads on his staff and accused him of being un-American and "red-friendly."

"There's no excuse for accepting people with abnormal hair color in today's day and age," fumed Paladino, who is setting a record in the amount of disrespect aimed at large voting blocks. "They can always dye their hair to fit in. It's the American way."

 creative commons attribution 2.0 generic licence user dusdin on flickr The Orthodox Jewish leaders Paladino addressed all signed pledges that they were not now, nor had they ever been "friendly to red-haired people." Previously the leaders petitioned Congress to expel from the U.S.A. all "those people," along with their friends and supporters. Republicans quickly authored a bill to order the Immigration Service to stop and question all redheads living in this country and to track their movements on an ongoing basis.

"I refuse to allow my children, even the illegitimate ones, to play with redheads at school, and I vehemently protest their inclusion in public schools," said Paladino. "If they insist on being different, let them go back to Russia, some Muslin country, or wherever they came from."

Paladino apologized to the group for allowing a redhead to serve him once in a restaurant, although he added, "The Bible declares people with red hair will be servants to the rest of mankind for eternity and toil in the fields forever, so I used to think it was okay if they waited on me. Now, I get physically ill when they are in my presence."

Immediately after his comments, Glenn Beck, Rush Limbaugh and Fox News sent congratulatory messages, applauding Paladino for "a clear statement that will protect a vulnerable public in this age of Obama overreach."

Saying she's pleased to "find a man with some backbone," Sara Palin invited Paladino to a meeting this week, where she may offer him the vice presidential slot on her upcoming run for U.S. president. Ms. Palin and Mikey Huckabee, her former choice, recently had a falling-out when Sarah belittled hush puppies, a delicate cuisine item in Huckabee's home state, Arkansas.

"Paladino is expressing views that are dear to the hearts of all Americans, the freedom to belittle, reject and even hate those who look and act differently," said Mike Caputo, Paladino's campaign manager. "We have to remember that he's a capitalist and a Catholic, and we should not expect Christian behavior from him."

  GFDL licence from wikipedia user escpe orbit Before his meeting at the synagogue, Paladino told newsmen not to "swallow the lies my campaign tries to spread about how I've become all warm and fuzzy."

"I'm the same irascible, quick-to-anger, crotchety, petulant prick I've always been," Paladino assured the all male audience. "I'm a builder, I'm rich and I'm used to pushing people around and getting my way. That's why the Tea Party picked me over those redhead-loving freaks, the Democrats. They'll be sorry they were ever born!"

Paladino stated that once he's elected, he will order the New York City and State Police Departments to round up not only redheads, but anyone else he decides to dislike. He plans to send them all to Guantanamo, Cuba, after he expands the facilities.

Democrats in New York City called for a day of resistance to tyranny by asking all supporters to stay indoors next weekend. "People are simply too tired and too preoccupied with web texting to join a march anymore," said Joe Snoop, vice chair of the Upper West Side Democratic Club. "So we're going all-out to stay in."

This piece was contributed by Don Monkerud. Don is an Aptos, California-based writer who follows cultural issues and politics and writes occasional satire.

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