Atlanta's Bishop Long Exonerated After Gay-Abuse Claims

(ACPA-Atlanta) There was widespread relief across metro-Atlanta as Bishop Eddie Long of the New Birth Missionary Baptist Church was completely exonerated of all charges that he secured sexual favors from young men in his congregation by lavishing them with expensive gifts and exotic vacations. After successfully using the classic "the victims made it up as part of a conspiracy" defense, the famed pastor's legal problems have now been decisively laid to rest.

Initially, Long's defense team were gong to use the tried and tested, "you cant say that, I'm black" defense, but that plan was scrapped when they discovered all of the so-called victims were also black. They also mulled over an "it's all the devils work" strategy. However, lawyers suspected it might not work in a court of law, not even in the conservative state of Georgia.

But with this being the first time "the victims made it up" was tested in a case involving a predominately African American church, defense lawyers were considerably nervous. Thankfully, their fears, and the fears of god-fearing churchgoers across Atlanta, were misplaced. Not even a faint whiff of gay scandal remains around Long, who had always strenuously denied that he had, "groomed or seduced young men to be his secret lovers."

Speaking to CNN, Long said, "Honestly on one hand I have a certain admiration for these four young men, I mean for four of them to be able to get together and invent a conspiracy like this is quite a feat. But they need to put their minds to better things now and they can start by going down on their knees, down low, and praying. I will welcome them back with open arms."

Meanwhile, African American Troy Houston spoke for many of Long's supporters when he said, "Yes, I was very worried, I mean all these christian churches with their sex scandals, I was really sure that there never could be sexual abuse or gay people in an African American church, and I am just relieved to see Bishop Long cleared of being a manipulative sexual groomer."

In other news Pastor Ted Haggard, who "hates the sin, but loves the sinner, probably just a bit too much," is rumored to be looking to locate his new church in the same area as Long's Atlanta megachurch. "I see this as an opportunity to break down racial barriers," he said.

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