Satire News, Serious Commentary

-"Fake News, Real Views!" ®

Victory in Iraq!

For Immediate release: Bush fixing to declare Iraq Victory

(ACPA-Atlanta) Journalists today questioned a decision by the White House to name the first of next month as "Victory in Iraq Declaration Day". In a press conference held in Anbar Province in Iraq, where the President made a surprise visit, Mr. Bush stated that on September 30th he will formally announce that Victory in Iraq has been achieved.

His speech will emphasize that, "with victory announced, we can now move to successfully concluding the war and exiting Iraq sometime in the decades ahead."

Journalists also questioned the Presidents view that, "we need to be declaring Victory so that we feel better about the whole situation, we always declare it sooner or later."

The President also noted that, "I must have a least one significant achievement to ensure continued funding since those other pesky milestones are not being reached."

Revising the Body Count

The President expects that TV News will now stop referring to, "body count since Mission Accomplished was declared" and instead reset the count back to zero and start counting, "deaths since victory in Iraq was declared".

Between this new much decreased body count, the excitement of the victory declaration itself and the higher public morale, President Bush expects a positive impact on his approval ratings. A ticker tape parade of Victory Veterans is planned for New York City. Extra wheelchair parking is being provided.

He who runs away leads the fight another day

President Bush added that he had a great experience with the troops in Anbar and wished he had been able to see some action. "I always regret," said the President, "that I was deployed to patrol the skies of Texas as part of the Air National Guard."

He concluded the press conference with a Texas common-man awshucks, adding, "Bill Clinton and I both agree it would have been a thrill to have gone to the front in Vietnam."