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Official Republican Party Survey. Check All Responses That Apply.

by Diane de Anda

1. Do you think that wealthy white males should control political decisions in this country?

         a) Yes

         b) Of course

         c) It goes without saying

2. Do you think an African American should be President of the United States?

         a) No

         b) Yes, when hell freezes over

         c) No, not even one who was born here

3. Do you think there should be any control over lobbyists?

         a) No

         b) Yes, if they're Democrats

         c) No, and here's a million dollars to stop asking

4. Do you think abortion should be legal?

         a) Only if you can pay a private dr. to keep it secret

         b) Yes, for poor women if they agree to be sterilized

         c) No, if the religious right is watching my vote

5. Do you believe in glass ceilings?

         a) Yes, it's the only transparency I support

         b) No, they should be made of lead

6. Do you believe in immigration reform?

         a) No, all we need is a long electric fence

         b) Yes, except for my nanny, house-keeper, and gardener

7. Do you believe shorelines should be protected from oil spillage?

         a) Yes, in the Caymen Islands

         b) Yes, if it's near my beach house

         c) No, if the bill is sponsored by Democrats

8. Do you believe in bipartisan politics?

         a) Yes, as long as the other party is not the Democrats

         b) Yes, but only between conservative and right wing Republicans

         c) No, compromise is a left-wing conspiracy

9. Do you believe in gay marriage?

         a) Yes, I think all marriages should be happy

         b) Unsure, still looking through the Bible for an answer

         c) Yes, why should gays get to have sex without having to get married

10. Do you believe public schools should be required to have diverse student bodies?

         a) Don't care, my kids go to private school

         b) Yes, it spreads out the poor kids and the trouble makers

         c) No, keep the poor kids and trouble makers together

11. Do you believe in welfare?

         a) Yes, for corporations only

         b) Yes, for poor women if they become indentured servants

         c) Of course, my own

12. Do you believe in gun control?

         a) No, what if somebody cuts in front of me on the freeway?

         b)Yes, it should be controlled by the NRA

         c) Yes, every American should know how to control a gun

Return your survey only if you contribute $50,000 or more a year to the Republican Party.

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