Regis Philbin Among Applicants For Obama Death Czar Job
By Ross Rosenfeld and Ronald Pecorry
(ACPA-Washington, DC) In a news conference yesterday, Press Secretary Robert Gibbs announced that President Obama has compiled a short list of qualified candidates to fill the newly created position of Death Czar.
Applicants include David Duke, Napoleon Dynamite, two Somali warlords, and Regis Philbin, who is seeking a career change. Regis joked with reporters, telling them his catchphrase will be: "No more lifelines for you, friend."
But despite the high caliber of applicants, the front-runners in the race for the Death Czar job appear to be the nation's health insurance companies.
Is that your Final Breath?
"With their masterful use of numbers," Gibbs noted, "the Insurance companies have displayed an uncanny ability to make life and death decisions. Hiring them to decide which Americans are worth saving will reassure many Republican skeptics."
Potential 2012 presidential candidate Newt Gingrich, spoke out against the proposal on Meet the Press: "I have nothing against letting forty-eight million Americans go uninsured. Nor do I mind if some people have to die because insurance companies cut off their coverage for no good reason, that's just capitalism. But having the insurance companies on the Government payroll while they make those decisions, that's outright socialism and we can't permit that."
However, in a sudden change of heart, Rush Limbaugh announced on his radio show that he is now a supporter of immediate National Health Care for all, claiming "Ted Kennedy will die sooner."
In a related story, comedian Jim Belushi is being considered for the head of Euthanasia Services. Secretary Gibbs noted that, "Jim has been putting people to sleep for over twenty years."
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