Atlanta Panics as Russians Invade Georgia
For immediate release: Helen Holdouts
(ACPA-Helen, GA) Terrified Residents of several Georgia Cities fled to the hills upon hearing the news that Russia had invaded Georgia. Panic was especially high in Atlanta, where older residents remember fearful stories of Sherman's invasion of the city during the US Civil War.
Thousands raced up the GA-400 highway to the mountain town of Helen, which was quickly overwhelmed. Georgia Governor, Sonny Purdue, announced
that all Georgia National Guard troops in Iraq would be brought home to assist in defense, as soon as transport planes became available.
"I knew them commies would do it sooner or later, we should never have fallen for Gorbachov with that mark of the beast on his head an' all," said Dwayne Elliot of Fulton County, in a phone-in interview with Stephen Colbert, who has been providing extensive coverage of the reaction in Georgia to the conflict.
"Yes, yes, we will be there help you soon," promised Colbert a South Carolina native, believed to have relatives in Columbus, Georgia. Meanwhile, Ralph Biggle, who recently covered Iraq for the Colbert Report, has been dispatched to report from the front lines.
Supporters of republican-presidential hopeful John McCain cheered the news. "This is the sort of military situation that favors our candidate," said a spokesman, "I mean of course we don't welcome the invasion, but if it's going to happen we need a Republican in charge running things."
Not every resident of Atlanta was worried about the turn of events. One man who stayed at home noted that he "had not personally seen any fighting" and with so many people gone, his treacherous Atlanta commute was much better.
Satireandcomment.com will continue to monitor events remotely from one of the many German themed bars in Helen, Georgia. Editor, Ronald Pecorry, was seen in Heidi's Bar working on his epic war novel, "For whom the road toll was waived on Highway 400." In hushed conversation over cold hefeweizen, he explained to Biggle, "The book is reminiscent of the atmosphere of Paris in late 1944, just with a rural Georgia setting instead."
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