Atlanta Center for Policy Analysis

-"Satire and Comment!"®

Animal Cruelty in Atlanta

For immediate release: Animal Cruelty Crisis in Atlanta

(ACPA-Atlanta) Nationally famous dog-fighting star, Michael Vick found himself stuck in the biggest scandal to hit Atlanta since Scarlett O Hara got drunk at the County Fair. Mr. Vick, a renowned professional in his field has been successfully training dogs to fight each other to the death for years. He also runs a highly respected gambling operation as a service for his customers. Fans and environmentalists alike have priased his preference for hanging dogs that could no longer fight to avoid using lead bullets.

A sordid secret life

The problem is that Vick has a highly disturbing other life. During his spare time he is Quarterback for a football team called the Atlanta Falcons. For the benefit of our European readers, American football is not soccer, a game that is less popular than dog fighting. It is a complicated game played by men with odd shaped balls who run short sprints followed by 5 minute breaks for television commercials about large trucks and low quality beer. Its target audiences include mathematicians and statistical analysts.

While a very dull game, it is also extremely violent and it is this violence that has Vick in trouble. Although not terribly effective the Falcons are a particularly cruel group of individuals. In the past year alone they have been in several staged fights with other animals and have killed a number of Panthers and Bengals. They also took part in a fierce fight with several Eagles and a group of Ravens.

Although not top dog, Vick has been arrested on charges of animal cruelty because as quarterback he is ringleader of the fights. The Feds stepped in when they received a tip that a whole new season of cruelty was about to start.

PETA Protests

A jury has been selected and is on standby. Jury foreman, Tyson, an African American bulldog insists that Vick will get a fair trial. If convicted, Vick will spend a year in prison, although according to one report PETA is calling for the sentence to be served in dog years.