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Gonzales was an illegal Irish Immigrant
For Immediate release: Gonzalez deported to Ireland
(ACPA-Atlanta) Washington is reeling at the news that former Attorney General Gonzales was fired when it was uncovered that he was an illegal Irish immigrant. Thatís right - Irish not Mexican!
Apparently, Alberto Gonzales was born Albert O'Gorman in a small Irish village and he arrived in the United States in the 1980's on a tourist visa. Initially he worked in construction in New York, but after the work dried up he headed south to Texas. To blend in, he dropped the possessive apostrophe, pushed the O to the left and starting eating tacos. Alberto was born.
The Luck of the Irish
The Irish are known to be a nation of chancers, who have violated immigration laws for decades across the world, so Albert was well up for a bit of subterfuge. After a few classes in Community College in Houston, he soon started dropping phrases about a priori assumption and the Bill of Rights. Such exotic phrases had never been heard before in Texas and he quickly garnered a reputation as a legal expert.
His lucky break came when he met a drunken George Bush at a football game. With a quick turn of the charm offensive, it was only a matter of weeks before he was the Attorney General of Texas. "It really is not hard to be the AG of Texas," he is quoted as saying, "down here it's either a misdemeanor or a capital offense so if you're not getting a ticket, then you're getting your ticket punched."
You say Albert, I say Alberto.
The scam started to come undone when an old school friend of Gorman's back home in Westmeath, Ireland, stayed sober long enough to accidentally watch the Evening News. Francis Shenanigan told satireandcomment.com, "my Jaysus, Bertie just popped up on the telly with that short haircut and looking fierce tanned. I nearly keeled over." It was downhill from there as Shenanigan couldn't keep his mouth shut about his famous friend.
President Bush is now seen a being vulnerable to impeachment if he is found out to have lied to Congress about Bertie, because as we all know lying to Congress would be a bad thing. You never know what decisions they might make if they were told lies. Hard questions are expected and there is speculation that the US Media might even wake itself out of its torpor and investigate issues of consequence more diligently.
Back to the farm
"Local boy does good", screamed the headlines of the Westmeath Examiner as Bertie returned home to the family farm, amid scenes of adulation. He will go back to tending sheep and reclaiming his stool in the village pub. In an interview with The Westmeath Examiner, Gorman told local editor Seamus O'Toole, "Ah sure I had a great run of it, the lads are dyin' to hear all the stories about America and I'm having great crack droppin' names like Bush and Rumsfeld."
He concluded, "You've no idea how far a well told lie will take you in Washington, unless of course you're in Iraq getting shot at."
Ireland has a lot of rain, but how about those Atlanta Winters?
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