Yeah, Granny's Tattoo Is Not Looking So Good
by Michael O'Rourke
Master of Ceremonies
"Ladies and gentlemen, we're here to celebrate our everlasting fealty to youthful immaturity!"
Mild applause.
"So we thank every one of you for coming! Ha! No pun intended!"
Smatter of chuckles.
"We've put all of you in groups based on types of tattoos and piercings. So go ahead and share your embarrassments and enjoy!"
Table 1: Sleeves
"Well, mine is. Or was. An "Alice in Wonderland" sleeve. I've never actually read that story, but."
"Is that Alice right there?"
"No, I think that's. Let me pull up the skin here. No, I think that's."
"Rumpelstiltskin!"
"Very funny, big boy. I don't think they're even in the same. So let's see yours."
"This?"
"Very funny. Your sleeve, big boy."
"Sure you can take it?"
"I'll brace myself."
"Okay, here we go. FLAMING SKULLS!'
"Yeah, I've got that too."
"Me too."
"Me too. But my other arm is snakes."
"I've got snakes. Both arms. See?"
"At this point, they look more like shriveled-up earthworms, big boy."
"Anybody got Kanji?"
"Sure."
"Sure."
"So what does that stuff mean, anyway? I've always kind of wondered."
"Well, you know. Chinese. Japanese. One of those countries."
"Yes, but what does it mean?"
"How should I know? I can't speak Chinese."
"You didn't ask the dude who?"
"It was bitch, not a dude."
"Hey! What if it says, like, 'Eat my shorts, motherfucker'?"
"Whoa, that would be cool."
"Way cool."
("Guess I'll have to find some Chinese dude who.")
"Want to see mine? It's Celtic. See? And I've always been real proud of it."
"Where are the basketballs?"
"Duh-uh. Not basketball. It's...something else..."
Table 4: Memorials
"Well, mine. Sorry for tearing up. Mine. Here it is on my shoulder. Is for my pet hamster, Hammy. And he died! When I was only ten years old! Is that enough to destroy your faith in humanity or what!"
"Don't know about that, but a goddamn whore of a wife sure is. That's why I've got this split-open heart on my shoulder. 'True Love' underneath. Get it?"
"Got you both beat, compadres. Mine's for my cousin who offed himself on meth. Ever seen a walking skeleton? Ugly, take my word for it. Anyway, that's why I've got this tattoo on my back of a meth lab."
Table 7: Christian
"I suppose I went a little overboard on the crosses. Here. Here. Here. Here. And other places I can't show you. But I really do love Jesus."
"Can't have too many crosses."
"Praise the Lord!"
"Let me cover up my front here. Will someone pull up my blouse and unhook my bra? See? It's the Sistine Chapel! Or part of it. That's what he told me."
"Oh, my!"
"It's beautiful!"
"He was such a nice man."
"Praise the Lord!'
Table 9: Full Body
"You probably can't tell, but I'm actually totally naked."
"I am too!"
"I am too!"
Table 12: Facial piercings
"My granddaughter thinks I look gross with both my eyebrows pierced, but I think."
"Yes, I know what you mean. My nose ring. But what can you say to these kids these days?"
"And my tongue piercing! It's normal, for heaven's sake! But even my son."
"My daughter says my nose ring makes me look like a Brahma bull. 'Mothh-err, will you please take that out?' I mean, I could stand to lose a few pounds, but where did she come up with that?"
"They don't know anything."
"And no way am I getting rid uff my lipf piercings."
"These younger people are just."
"And my son probably wouldn't want to hear this, but my husband (rest his soul) never complained about my tongue piercing when I. Well, you now what I'm talking about."
Table 14: Yin-Yang
"You know, just the other day I was thinking: What the hell does this damn thing mean? I mean, I've always liked it, but."
"Beats the shit out of me."
"Never thought about it."
"You mean it means something?"
"Dudes! Dudes! It's tadpoles! Chasing each other around and around in a circle. Because. You know. That's life!"
Table 17 (curtained off, with referee): Genital
"Okay, who wants to go first?"
"I do!"
"I do!"
"No! Pick me first!"
"Well, then. Maybe we should go alphabetical?"
"Oh, thanks. I've been last my whole goddamn life. Zurachnich."
"Look, people. I'm sure I've got the biggest dick at this table, so."
"Oh, yeah? Wait'll you see mine."
"I'll match you dick for dick, buddy."
"All right. All right. Everyone is just going to have to wait their turn. So just be patient. What I guess I'm going to do is just point at someone randomly, and we'll go around the table clockwise. You."
("That's not fair.")
("He probably always gets to go first.")
"You!"
"Well, this dagger looks better when I'm hard, but if I stretch it out here."
"When was that last the case, honey?"
"When was what last the case?"
"All right, next."
"Okay. I told you I had a big dick. Check this out. And how do you like the spikes?"
"Oh, my."
"Awesome, right?"
"Um.."
"Next."
"Ever seen an ampallang? Well, here you go, ladies."
"Ouch."
"Wow."
"OMG."
"That's nothing. I've got an apadrayva. See?"
"Yeah? How about my Prince Albert?"
"How about my reverse Prince Albert?"
"You're jumping ahead of the ladies, guys. That could be construed as sexist. So let's keep to the order we started with. Ma'am?"
"Oh, all I've got is this silly old vertical clitoral hood thing. Here. Let me pull up my belly so you can actually."
"Mine's horizontal."
"How do you like it? I've always wondered if I should have gotten a horizontal instead."
"You know, I've wondered the same thing! About vertical. I mean, I like mine, but sometimes you just can't ever quite."
"Next."
"I suppose most of you gals have an inner labia piercing?"
"Oh, yes."
"Yes."
"How could you not?"
"Not me. Mine's majora. See? My husband (rest his soul) didn't like the taste of metal in his mouth, so."
"Oh, you lucky lady! My husband wouldn't even!"
"Next!"
Table 21: Tinkerbell
"Oh, that is so cute!"
"So is yours!"
"His too!"
"I just love Tinkerbell!"
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