It ain't pretty - Reflections on Ugliness
by Ross Rosenfeld
You've heard a lot of talk lately about whether or not we live in a post-racial society - one without prejudice. Well, I'm here to speak out on behalf of a group of people that has been discriminated against throughout time. This discrimination continues to this day. In fact, it might be worse than ever. This is a group that I, sadly, belong to. And it is time that we, as a group, protest the prejudices leveled against us. I am talking, of course, about ugly people.
Yes, it is true. I am an ugly person. I can't help it: I was born this way. My face has about as much appeal to most people as a buffet to an anorexic. I've made babies cry just by looking at them. FEMA has designated my body a natural disaster area. On Halloween I go as myself.
I am not alone. Yes, you - you out there. You know who I'm talking about. Maybe you've got ears as big as envelopes or a belly with more rolls than a bakery. Maybe you try to cover that ugly face of yours with some terrible, scraggily beard that's little consolation to the hideousness that hides beneath. Maybe you're an ugly, hairy beast who drools like a gorilla at feeding time, which wouldn't be so bad if you weren't a woman. Maybe an entire fleet of Revlon trucks couldn't cure what ails you.
And it's tough. Trust me, I know. It's tough to be one of us. Some have made it, despite. Abe Lincoln was one. He used to tell a story about a woman who passed him and said, "I do believe you're the ugliest man I ever saw." "I can't help it," he replied, "God made me this way." "Yes," she said, "but you could at least not go out." You see, Abe was tough enough to withstand the ridicule, even when newspapers referred to him as an ape.
And you can be tough, too, my friend. I know, I know. I know what you're saying. You're saying, "But Ross, I got a nose the size of a cantaloupe and my legs look like they've swallowed three whole chickens apiece. I look like the elephant man's homelier younger sibling."
And I sympathize, my friend, I do. I'm with ya. Trust me, no one understands better than me. I'm setting the all-time record for most rejections. In the old days, you used to be able to get slammed face-to-face, but the Internet has made rejection possibilities skyrocket. And, I tell ya, nothing's more satisfying than seeing that 700 people have viewed your profile and gone, "Nah...not for me."
Not that other scenes were much better. I've tried every pick-up line in the book, and have gotten rejected with every one. One time I went up to a girl and said, "What's your sign?" She said, "Stop." Another time I asked a girl if I could buy her a drink.
She said, "Sure. As long as you promise to leave right afterwards."
"Do you come here often?" I asked one.
"Yes," she said, "but I won't anymore."
One girl put it bluntly. She said, "It's not you. It's your face. And body. And hair. And eyes. And pretty much everything else."
Has this happened to you? Guys, have you ever asked a girl if she'd like to dance and been told, "Yes, just not with you?"
Women, have you ever had a handsome guy come up to you and say, "Excuse me, I'm trying to get to that pretty girl over there, and your large rear is blocking my path?"
OK, then. You know what I'm saying.
Ugly Day Parade!
It's time for all of this to stop. Us ugly people have to work harder to establish relationships, secure jobs, and even make friends. Everybody wants to be friends with John Travolta. You think the line was long for Steve Buscemi, or did he have to work harder? You're damn right he did! Kudos, Steve!
So, to all you beautiful and handsome people out there, I say this: we know what you're up to. We know the score. We've got a plan now. If you don't treat us better, I'm going to call for an Ugly Day Parade. That's right. The last thing you wanna see is all of us ugly people out in massive numbers. Put away the children! And, no, it won't be at night. Nice try.
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