Scalia To Abolish Death Penalty So He Can Have An Evening Off
(ACPA-Houston,TX) Texas is reeling at news that the death penalty is facing the possibility of being declared unconstitutional. Supreme court justices, sick of missing Friday night poker and evenings at the symphony, plan to use an upcoming appeal as an excuse to abolish executions. "I'll miss the overtime," said Justice Scalia, "but not those endless last minute appeals. Enough already."
Shock and Dismay
As details leaked out, groans of shock and dismay were recorded across the lone star state as Texans started to come to terms with the news that their beloved death penalty might be taken away.
"This all started with the abolition of execution for the retarded," said Dwight Johnson of Walker County, "that dang Yankee Supreme Court should stay out of our business."
Death row guards concerned for their jobs have decided to take action. Union spokesman Jim Austen stated that, "we are going to start a grassroots nationwide campaign to encourage other states to have more executions."
Arguing that the death penalty is a time honored tradition, he was quick to point out that, "the death penalty is just like freedom of religion - use it or lose it."
Over in Houston, the Mayor is particularly concerned that mass layoffs could follow in the prosecutor's office and he has weighed in his support for the guards union. "We love the yellow rose of Texas and we love the Death Rows of Texas," he said in an impassioned plea for support from other cities nationwide.
Meanwhile traffic came to a standstill in downtown Livingston, home of the Polunsky Unit Death Row facility, when several members of the strapdown team staged an impromptu strap-in.
Trade War looms
On the financial front, markets reacted to the news by dumping shares of chemical companies specializing in the manufacture of Sodium Thiopental. Lean times are ahead unless these companies can break into the burgeoning but restricted Chinese death penalty market. The US is expected to raise the issue in upcoming WTO talks.
Also read about the Atlanta woman LOVES PBS pledge marathons
or learn why the After Trayvon Martin, Alabama to introduce "Hoodies For Hispanics" program.
or click here for all our satire news stories
Thanks for visiting!