EU Claims Monopoly Board-Game has monopoly on Monopoly
For immediate release: Funny Money!
(ACPA-Brussels) The European Monopoly Commission (EMC) is set to indict board game manufacturer Hasbro and the two Parker Brothers with having a monopoly on Monopoly. The charges follow a year long investigation based on complaints from property developers across several EU member states.
With approximately 64 million houses built each year and values now collapsing, Joost Van-Zoelen, the director general of the EMC, said: "After analyzing the profits of HASBRO, I have to conclude that there is an unreasonable level of profitability here given the huge supply-side factor."
Van-Zoelen went on to claim that "demand is being artificially driven up by a requirement on investors to purchase small green houses, before they can bid on hotels, and we have decided to take action to break that monopolistic linkage."
Victims came from all ages and backgrounds. "I should be able to charge rent even when I'm in jail," protested 45 year old Cliff Williams, "and I never seem to get a fair chance." 10 years old Janet Wimms said that her 12 year old brother had destroyed her property empire and called her "a crazy real estate tyrant" because she fined him for losing his temper and acting annoying. "Not fair," she explained to the EMC.
The EMC inquiry will examine several competition issues. These include restrictions on collecting rent on mortgaged properties, and the relationship between consequential financial success when using any of the silver dog, the hat or the car. "There is always concern that market makers are able to gain psychological advantage just because they secure a better starting token."
While the Parker Brothers are keeping a low profile, their Cheif Operating Officer is claiming foul. "Why do they always focus on Monopoly? Why doesn't the Federal Bridge Commission do something about the questionable bidding strategies, dodgy contracts and subsequent tricks that are going on all across the country?" adding, "and how can a diamond be worth less than a club?"
Meanwhile, with pressure on sales of Monopoly, rival Ghettopoly was said to be experiencing a resurgence of popularity, with Forclosureopoly coming up a strong second.
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