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Miracle Vegetable Cures - A PBS Special

by Dimitri Florette

Announcer: Pledge week continues with our vegetable miracle cures special. It's going to be inspirational so make sure to call the number on the screen to donate to your PBS station. We will send you a free copy of the new Veggie Tales book, filled with cures for every possible illness. Here is a sample of these must-know tips:

1. If you or your child have an earache: Cut a floret from a stalk of broccoli, making sure there is a small stem. Insert the stem into the opening of the ear and turn it until the floret can stay by itself without your holding it. Keep the floret in your ear until it becomes soggy and falls out by itself.

2. If you find yourself getting a sore throat, gargle with tomato juice, which is high in vitamin C.

3. If you have a runny nose, stop the flow of mucus by stuffing a carrot up each nostril.

4. If you have a mole that you suspect is malignant, at midnight, under a full moon, cut an onion in half and rub the mole vigorously with the raw inside of the onion.

5. For men with erectile dysfunction, tickle the end of your penis with the curly green edges of a stalk of kale. This is sure to produce an erection.

6. If you have a UTI, boil five beets in a pot. Eat all 5 beets and drink the beet juice. You won't mind the constant need to urinate any more, because it's so much fun to have pink urine.

7. If you have flat feet, never use an arch support made of leather, metal, and rubber or plastic. Make a natural support by slicing an eggplant so that it is flat on one side (the side showing the inside of the vegetable) and curved (the outer side) on the other. Insert the slice into your shoe, curved side up. This will provide a perfect, soft arch.

8. If you are bothered by your dog's bad breath, eat four cloves of raw garlic. After the third clove, magically, you won't notice your dog's breath any more (nor will anyone in the same room).

9. To prevent breast cancer, cook two large mushrooms. Cut out the stems. When you go to sleep at night, lie on your back and attach a mushroom to each nipple.

10. If you have a stomach ache, it probably means you have not had enough fruit that day. Take a large purple grape and insert it into your belly button. Keep it there and let it ferment.

11. If you have athlete's foot, fill a large bucket with pomegranate seeds, then stomp on the seeds with your bare feet every night for two weeks. Your athlete's foot will be cured, but your feet may retain their new red hue for several weeks.

12. To prevent fleas from biting you, cut a lemon in half and rub it all over your body.

13. To prevent falling into a vat of bullshit and suffocating, don't buy my book.

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