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Coward pilot Sullenberger refuses to land plane in Chicago River

For immediate release: Sully's Sullied Star

(ACPA-Chicago) From hero to zero, the sheen is off so-called hero pilot Chesley "Sully" Sullenberger after he denied increasingly frantic requests from passengers to land his plane in the Chicago River.

Tom Becker, who was flying to the Windy City for a business meeting, described the chaotic scenes on board Flight 114 as the pilot doggedly resisted calls from passengers to put his plane down in the water. "We were already late and then he announced we were going to have to circle for two hours because of a snow storm," Becker told reporters, "but despite our desperate pleas to just do it Sully, just take a shortcut and put it in the river, well, he refused. Heck, I could see my office right by the river every time we circled, it was so frustrating."

An upset Jeannie Duggan, who missed her wedding rehearsal dinner because of the delay, explained, "I begged him to just put it down in the river, most of us were in downtown hotels anyway, but the heartless creep wouldn't do it."

"Pilots, they're all about the money," said Rich Franklin who was traveling to Chicago for a job interview. He told a reporter that, "Sullenberger was praying we would get diverted to another airport, that's the overtime jackpot for those guys."

Other frequent flyers echoed the sentiments of the Chicago River 35. "Last week we were doing the usual hours of circling above Atlanta, and do you think we could get the pilot to land in the Chattahoochee?" asked Ron Pearson of Sandy Springs, Georgia. "No chance, he just hid in the cockpit like a little girl, begging the Air Marshal to keep us back."

The American Association for Travelers Rights, AATR, is considering a public interest lawsuit against several airlines for their steadfast refusal to include freeways, rivers, and parachutes as potential landing options for delayed passengers. "They keep hiding behind the safety excuse," said an AATR spokesman, "but then why do they train their pilots so much if they're only going to land on runways?"

For one passenger, though, this was the last straw. "I have had enough with flying," said Josh Prezlomic of Wisconsin. "From endless security lines, to keeping us in the air as long as possible, it's too much," he insisted, "I'm driving from now on." With the numbers of frustrated passengers increasing every day, analysts expect it won't be long before airlines are forced to adopt the river option as policy.