Hitchens Death Bed Conversion That NY Mosque

Beach.     Girl In 2-Piece.    Cell Phone.

by Michael O'Rourke

OMG, this ocean is, like, HUGE! So why did you break up with Chris?

Kayla's here. She's mad at Justin about Kaylee.


No, I'm talking about.

Holy crap, that was a pretty big wave! What the crap is going on!

Ha, ha, ha! Kayla just slipped and dropped her cell phone in the water! Is that funny or what!

So, anyway, Chris.

These birds are really annoying. I guess they're seagulls. Or robins.


Our damn hotel doesn't even have a damn pool.

So Chris was, like, hitting on Karlee? She's fat! I don't blame you.

Where are my ear buds?

Anyway, I don't blame you.

Now where's my! I'm losing everything!

Anyway, Kylee thought it was pretty funny when I told her about Jason and. Well, you know.

Oh crap! I think I've got sand in my crotch! I shouldn't have sat down in the water! CALM DOWN, OCEAN!

So Jason. Not that one. You know, the other one. He, um.

This damn wind is drying out my hair! CALM DOWN, WIND!

So, Jason, he.

Oh, wow. This bitch with these big boobs keeps. And it's like the third day in a row! Okaaay! We can seeee them! Go back inside your roooom!

Josh called. YESSSS! YESSSS! Well, he. I don't know if he.

I'm bored. This is boring.

We went out to eat last night. But I just had. You know. Some lettuce.

Kayla! What are you DOING! She's like. KAYLA, WHAT ARE YOU DOING!

She can't hear me. Well, anyway.

Those boobs are fake. I just know it.

Kaci's mad at me. You know, about Jonathan. No, not THAT Jonathan. The OTHER one. But she can just. I don't know.

Hot, hot, hot! It's so damn hot on this damn beach! Why can't they, like, cool it down or something! Ha, ha, ha!

Oh, wow, she just bent over. I'm so impressed. Next she's probably.

No, I haven't heard from Kyla. Are she and Deondre still? But do her parents know he's black! OMG!

There's this really cute guy out here. He's kind of skinny but.


Can you hear this damn ocean? Here, listen. Fascinating, right? Yeah, right.

Do you think my boobs are? I mean. I don't know.

What was THAT? Some kind of big seagull thing. With big flappy wings and a long beak! Hanging down! Yuck!

Now he's not looking at me.

Okay, sun! That's enough! Where's the tanning bed! Ha, ha, ha!

So yesterday morning I had to watch the dumb.

He's still not looking at me.

The dumb sunrise. My mom MADE ME GET UP! Thanks, Mom! Big thrill! Now I can't get back to sleep!

This new swim suit. I don't know. It makes me look. I don't know.

Now he's looking at that bitch with the boobs! And she's OLD!

I'm soooooo tired of being here.

Hang on, I've got another call.

Never mind, it's my mom.

So was Chris?

Hang on. It's my mom again. She's just going to keep. Unless I.

NO, Mother! I'm not even. I'm just. OKAAAAAAY!

Justin. I mean Jason. I mean Justin.

Well, PLEASE FORGIVE ME for even bringing up Chris! I was only! And we only! That one time!

Ooh, he looked back at me again. Maybe if I.

I need a tattoo SO BAD!

Have you ever shaved your? You know. I'm thinking of doing it.

Anyway, I'm bored. I'm going back to the damn room.

About the author: Michael O Rourke has been published in North American Review, New England Review, Capitalism Nature Socialism, Gettysburg Review, and other journals, and four have been cited as "Notable" by the editors of Best American Essays. His book is 'Paul Bunyan Lives! and Other Tales from the Natural World.'

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