Ivan the Exit Pole Predicts Winner
For Immediate Release: Increasing use of Exit Poles
(ACPA-Atlanta) When Ivan Kaczynski was growing up on the family farm outside Warsaw, his dream was to one day become a shipbuilder like Lech Walesa. Sadly, a cow milking accident ended those dreams. So he lowered his ambition and trained to become a security guard at the shipyard gates.
But with the end of the Soviet era, his family fell into financial hardship and Ivan headed for America. He settled among the small Polish community in Hattiesburg, South Carolina and got his dream security job manning the exit doors at the local high school. He quickly became a familiar face in the community and was happily living the American dream.
Little did Ivan know that he was soon to become one of the most important political pundits in the United States.
Exit Pole Predicts Bush Victory
Balloting in the 2000 primary was held in Hattiesburg High School and just before polling closed a bored local journalist asked exit-door Ivan for his prediction. "Bush will win" he replied. Although many thought McCain was on the home stretch at the time, Ivan was right and Bush went on to win the nomination and the Presidency. The local hack headlined the story "Exit Pole Predicts Bush Victory".
Sensing there was more to Ivan than his pockmarked polish face, master campaigner Karl Rove immediately hired him. In State after State, Ivan quickly solidified his reputation as the most accurate Exit Pole to be found on the campaign trail. The only time he got it wrong was when he predicted that Gore would win Florida. "I still can't understand how I got that wrong," is a common statement in interviews with Ivan.
Since then many of Ivan's relatives have immigrated to various parts of the US where they have shown the same electoral genius and the use of Exit Poles has become integral to election reporting.
When one hears the words "Exit Poles predict a win for ..." no doubt Ivan or of one of his cousins is making a lasting mark on US politics.
Next - a helpful note to those whose internet searches land on this page
The official definition of an Exit Pole is as follows:
An Exit Pole is a person who predicts which candidate will win an election by observing the behavior of voters in a specific voting location. The Exit Pole is always a native of Poland and works typically as a security guard on the exit doors of the voting location (although in some cases may be a cleaner at the location.)
So far Exit Poles have all been members of the extended Kaczynski family although both major US political parties have said that this will not be a long term requirement.
Note that an Exit Poll is not the same thing as an Exit Pole! Exit Polls are used in areas with a limited number of Kaczynski residents.
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